As we approach the holidays I’m hearing a growing dread about political conversations with friends and family. I don’t have all the answers but here are some suggestions that might be helpful in holding these difficult conversations. Some of these suggestions have came from books on negotiating like the Harvard Project’s “Getting to Yes.”
1. If you find yourself cornered into talking about politics this holiday, the parameters of the discussion are very important. Agree not to allow name calling of the persons being discussed. Calling someone a name or labeling them with a catchy insult may feel like communication but it does not actually build a bridge to exchange information. If one party believes someone from the other side is lying, calling them a liar is not as helpful as presenting examples of their dishonest claims.
2. Agree to define terms and unpack popular cliches. Do not try to build understanding based on emotionally biased terms. Labels like “communist” or “fascist” are not as clear as they make us feel. We cannot model rational communication with emotionally manipulative words.
3. Agree that both sides will get to speak for equal amounts of time. Take turns speaking without interrupting or letting yourself be interrupted. When one person finishes their point, ask the other to summarize what was just said. The conversation should not go on until the person who just spoke agrees they have been heard.
4. Agree to a common measure for truth claims. This can be hard if your friend is denying science, history or critical thinking but if honest communication isn’t actually happening it is better not to pretend that it is. Sometimes the most helpful form of communication is just being honest about the obstacles that prevent communication and negotiating a future setting that would be fair to both sides.
5. Separate thinking and feeling. Our world has changed so much that many people are in grief. Their former identities were based on oppressive hierarchies that, while unjust, can be painful to leave behind. We double our chances at communicating if we can affirm what someone is feeling at the same time as protecting those being being harmed by traditional hierarchies of wealth and power.
6. Admit when the other is right. If we are truly seeking truth, honesty never hurts our efforts. To admit where the other is right (and anywhere your side might have been wrong) powerfully models that you are seeking truth and justice for all, and not just trying to win an argument.
7. Separate the people from the issues. You can love someone deeply without losing your higher calling to seek truth and to do justice. The world has grown very complicated. Trump has convinced many people they can go back to a simpler world before science and demographics destroyed our earlier simplistic answers. The friends of humankind have always found a balance between keeping a tender heart, and, at the same time, calling our species to radical honesty and a broader justice that includes us all.
As I say, I don’t have all the answers but it might be helpful today for readers to leave their own suggestions on how to communicate on these difficult topics.