Dear sir or madam (but probably sir),
I have noticed that you have a vacancy in your church and I would like to apply for the job of Pope. I realize not being a Cardinal, or even Catholic, is a drawback, but I believe I have some great suggestions that will more than outweigh those negatives.
Any incoming Pope will face severe challenges: Preaching humility, while living a palace; promoting scholastic reason, while still making magical claims; remaining credible attacking homosexuality, while wearing a sparkly dress and what looks like Dorothy’s shoes from the Wizard of Oz.
My own Presbyterian denomination has much to teach about hiding injustice behind the robes of sanctity. For example, we have no formal prohibition against female clergy, but our insistence on sexist language for God ensures that woman clergy are, well women clergy. Our language lets the little ladies know they are always on male turf.
The next Pope will have to do something about uppity Catholic women. Those nuns driving around the country are an embarrassment for us male clergy everywhere. They are smarter than we, better informed on social issues, and, unfortunately, living in the real world. The new Pope will need to discredit them even more effectively than did the former Pope. As Pope my first order of business would be to say that women should not be allowed to drive. At first it will sound strange, but after a few centuries it will make as much sense as saying that women can’t sprinkle baptismal waters on a baby’s head or pass out the holy crackers.
To convince American women that 80 year old celibates know more about sex than they do is a tough sale, which is why I will also declare that, in the womb, the soul enters the body through the man’s peepee. I haven’t found it in the Bible yet, but what other reason could there be for saying that men can handle ordination but women are not?
My second act will be to take back the church’s apology to Galileo. I realize that will re-saddle us with a geocentric universe, but we cannot admit that the Bible is wrong about astronomy and also say it is infallible about human sexuality. Unfortunately some of the best philosophers and skeptics of all time came from the Catholic Church. We must make sure that such anti-magic forces do not rise up again in the Catholic Church. If minds like William of Ockham emerge again and start testing our truth claims by the scientific method, well you know where that would lead.
To face this grave threat I plan to appoint magician David Blain as my official theologian. I figure if he can make it look like a tiger disappeared he can make our magical claims sound credible. Obviously, the new theology will require new expenditures in pyrotectics, but that will be considerably less expensive than bringing our theology into the real world.
My final challenge will be condemning poverty without playing into those radical Catholics who teach liberation theology. These radicals usurp our noble efforts at charity with an ungodly call to undo the actual sources of poverty. We would very quickly lose our welcome in any country in the world if we ever actually confronted the sources of poverty.
To face this third challenge, I propose more statues of the saints. I realize they lived lives of poverty and most of them would not be welcome in any modern denomination, but remember one important fact. They are dead. They cannot speak, which means we can speak for them. By lifting up their forms we distract the people from their radical messages. I recommend such statues placed next to our most vulgar expressions of wealth like chandeliers, fancy chairs and such. Perhaps a golden statue of a saint St. Francis will be enough to distract the people from his bad example.
These are a few of my ideas. I hope you will consider me for the job of Pope. We can discuss other details like vacation and my Pope name later. Until then, I am
respectfully yours,
Rev. Jas. Rigby,
(Pope Jimmy I?)
Jim, This is a classic ! Tell them to save the smoke, you’re a shoe-in.
Tom, I’ll need an architect for my new double decker Pope-mobile. Interested?
I believe I see white smoke emanating from the Vatican! Pope Jimmy I it is!
And are you also seeing pigs flying through the white smoke?
Good luck at the interview…. thanks for improving my day friend!!
pg
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is radio personality, Pedro Gatos. Thank you for stopping by the blog. That reminds me that the interview will probably be in Latin. I’ll negotiate for Pig Latin as a compromise.
I realize clergy positions are scarce, but I can’t believe two Presbyterians are making application for the Pope opening. It must be due to the bad habits we had to undo after graduating from APTS in 1979-80. Any male can be Pope, providing he is Catholic and can prove he has testicular fortitude (a requirement since Pope Joan) which is not insurmountable problem. You might have it easier since “Saint” is in the name of your current location, as opposed to “First”. Bur then again, I have dibs to exclusivity by being “first”. I also have had dinner with several bishops and two cardinals, so I already know which silverware to use and in what order. Pope Benny and I have exchanged letters about Presbyterians being a “community” as opposed to a “true church of Jesus Christ”( not that’s a help since as Honorably Retired {HR} Pope he’s promised to move in with cloistered nuns and not interfere). Unfortunately, he got tired of deciphering my bad Latin ( I couldn’t keep male and female endings “straight” which is an important prerequisite for Popery) and passed me off to Bishop Slattery, who fobbed me off to his Vicar General, who then passed me off to a Monsenior. I am now down to drinking whiskey with a retired priest in the local Catholic nursing home. I’ve gotten so good at sharing the blessed sacrament (straight up, no ice, room temperature) that the other inmates have taken to calling me Father Mickey. My application has not been completed like yours, but I am hoping to trade on who I know and the “good old boys network, which in any denomination is more important than knowledge, skill, eloquence. I must admit, however, that you are prettier and thinner, which counts for alot in tall steeple churches ( and there is no church with bigger stones than St. Peters!). Best wishes to you and my deepest condolences as you struggle with the Olympic Committee getting rid of wrestling. Mike Barron
As soon as my Cardinal’s toque comes back from the laundry I will head to the chapel for divine guidance. A hint from you that you would consider me for bank leader would probably clear things up for me. I am quite adept at adding and subtracting, division by anything greater than 5 or 6 calls for a calculator. Just sayin’. The laundry truck is coming up the drive. See ya.
hired.
I can’t stop laughing. You made my day, Jim!
Thanks Mary, glad to hear it.
Ah, gee, Jim! I thought you might decide to choose Mary as your papal name.
Hmmm. Hadn’t thought of that. I think I would just give up my papacy and let the nuns select my successor. She could be Pope Mary I. I like the sound of it.
So do I.