There’s something about funerals that brings out human frailties. People mean well, but we can say the dumbest things at a funeral. After thirty years in ministry, I have a list of my top ten dumb things people say at a funeral, not in any particular order.
“He/She is in a better place”
Sometimes that phrase makes people feel better, but it can also make some people feel worse. For one thing, not everyone believes in an afterlife. To ask grieving people to pretend they believe something may comfort the “comforter,” but it is better to accept the grieving person on their own terms. The phrase is unhelpful for another reason. The survivor is already feeling abandoned, to hear that their spouse has already moved on and is partying in the afterlife may not be what she or he needs to hear.
“God never gives us more than we can handle.”
Actually bone cancer is more than most people can handle, as is torture and murder, as is the loss of a child. This is another case of the “comforters” comforting themselves.
“God must have needed a ____ in heaven.”
This one isn’t always hurtful, but it can give a strange view of the afterlife. If the deceased is a plumber it can sound like heaven has crummy toilets. If the deceased was a proctologist, it can raise even more serious theological issues. If the deceased was a child and one says something like “God needed a little angel,” it can leave lasting shrapnel in an already devestating wound.
“Everything has a purpose.”
When people say this cliche, it is usually to make themselves feel better, not the grieving person. To rationalize why an brutal accident happened leaves one with a pathological God, which can be much harder to cope with than just saying “stuff happens.” Life is sometimes unfair, to make excuses for a tragedy can make the grieving person feel very alone.
“I know how you feel.”
If you hear someone saying this at a funeral, take them to the side and politely say, “no you don’t.” This is usually the opening for the “comforter” to talk about a loss they have suffered in their own past. It is painful to watch a grieving person have to listen to someone else’s past problems at such a painful time. Remind the comforter “this isn’t about you.”
“He looks so natural.”
He may look peaceful after a long time of suffering, but he probably doesn’t look natural with a wax coating. This is the kind of phrase we wouldn’t possibly think to say if it were true, like “Joe, your hair piece looks completely natural.”
“Did he/she know Jesus?”
Yes, people actually ask this question at funerals. As strange as it is for some fundamentalists to grasp, bringing up the possibility that a griever’s beloved may be in eternal torment is not helpful. And if the deceased was Jewish or atheist, it is perfectly appropriate to pepper spray the comforter. As they cry out in pain, you can say, “God never gives us more than we can carry,” or “everything happens for a purpose.” That will make them feel much better.
“You should be happy she’s in heaven”
Again some people don’t believe in heaven, but this response can also be heard to mean, “stop grieving you make me uncomfortable.”
“Life goes on”
Sometimes this responsee can be helpful- if it’s heard as saying “you’re going to get through this.” It is true that time heals most wounds, but life doesn’t have a fast foward button. We get to our future healing by grieving now. Letting a person go fully into their current grief is usually much more helpful than distracting them with tales of future happiness.
“How are you?”
After thirty years I still slip up on this one. What I mean to say is, “are you getting through this? Do you need anything from me?” Asking this question to a devastated person can sound like we are clueless about their pain. Of course the answer is, “I am miserable.”
Reminder:
All communication in times of grief is trial and error. What helps on one day hurts on another. The point is to let the grieving person know we care. We do that, by letting them set the tempo and the agenda of our conversation. And, in all my years of doing this work, I’ve never found words that are as helpful as loving and attentive silence.
So, what are some great things to say at a funeral?
I’ll start with one of my favorites: “Man, your dad was a funny S.O.B.!”
Thanks Chad. Several people mentioned things that were helpful on the Facebook page. I’ll try to put some of those together.
While Chad answered his own question with humor, it’s an important one and worth re-iterating. Jim, can you give some examples of the kinds of statements and expressions which make good pastoral and theological sense. What, for example, do you often find yourself saying to grieving family members. By the way, thanks for the very helpful and thoughtful list of what not to say!
I thought in the conversation afterwards people listed what was helpful. I might try to put those together when I have some time. My problem is I blog on the fly so after my time slot is up I have to get back to my real job.
Jim, after I posed my comment above, I ran across a particular FB “Share” of this blog where you interact with a number of people who share their own experiences of giving comfort, and receiving comfort; I wish that series of FB interactions was available to everyone who receives a copy of this particular blog; they are complementary pieces.
Jim, after I posed my comment above, I ran across a particular FB “Share” of this blog where you interact with a number of people who share their own experiences of giving comfort, and receiving comfort; I wish that series of FB interactions was available to everyone who receives a copy of this particular blog; they are complementary pieces.
Susanne, that’s a great idea. I’m not sure how to pull that off though. There is a gap between Facebook and Blog.
At my mom’s funeral there were two things that were said that truly made me smile.
1. Your mother made everyone feel instantly comfortable to be around her. She had a knack of making others feel better about themselves. She was a wonderful lady.
2. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but your mom was the best smart a$$ I ever knew. I loved her sense of humor.
((BOTH OF THOSE ARE TRUE STATEMENTS and they still make me smile almost three years later))
I’d say the best things to say to someone about their loved one, is to share the reason you loved/liked the deceased. Clearly both of these comments stuck with me and meant a lot in the depths of my grief. If you can’t share a compliment then it always works to say, “There are no words other than I am here for you and I care” Then a nice hug.
Cynthia, That’s true. Celebrating the persons character and personality can be very comforting.
years ago someone gave us a ‘top ten’ list of things never to say to those grieving. my favorite is, ” how long do you think your grief will take? it’s so hard on me to see you this way.”
Janell,
That is an awkward question. People just don’t know what to say at times like that.
I don’t grieve the way most people I know do, so I don’t usually know what to do in these situations. Usually there are already plenty of people being generally comforting and taking care of people emotionally, and I’m not really good at that stuff – and if the comforting is directed at me, I generally want to get away asap.
So I end up cooking and cleaning and such. The people grieving normally have enough things to worry about with people visiting and funeral arrangements… sometimes funerals are as hectic as weddings, and usually more stressful. So cooking and cleaning let me help out more than I would with the emotional stuff, and gives me an excuse to have space to deal with my own emotions.
Lauren, I’m sure your kindness is appreciated.